the end of a chapter

Graduation day......I knew this day would be hard. Change is hard for me. Changing a career is very scary and uncomfortable. I'm leaving whats comfortable and secure. Most people often hear "when a door is shut, another one opens." In this case, the oh so common phrase is in fact true. I will be embarking on another career path that will challenge me in new ways. Hell ya, I'm scared.......excited, you bet!!!My fears often take over before excitement can truly set in. I'm working on switching those or at least minimizing the scary part. My writting today is not about whats next but what these last 3 years have looked like.

I was so excited to be a counselor. I actually don't remember being that scared, things happened so quickly I didn't have time to be scared I suppose. I had so much energy and enthusiasm, I radiated hope for kids. I wanted to save the world, one native kid at a time until I changed lives everywhere. That vibrant light faded over 3 years until I felt like my efforts were not making a difference. I became overwhelmed with disobedient students and got tired of reminding students to "stay here, bring your pencil, don't forget, or you did what again." Students and administration were sucking the life out of me and I starting to lose sight of my purpose as a counselor and I started to lose that vibrance within me. There is however those handful of kids that you get excited to help because you can tell they really want to to change.

I spent so much time focusing on others I forgot to take care of myself. This last year I realized I was not being effective as a counselor because I was tired, exhausted, and burnt out. I was stressed out and trying to convince myself I love my job. I didn't hate my job by any means, but felt stuck in a system that wasn't allowing me to truly make a difference and I was tired of the same old behavior. I realized I needed a break, a time to explore other options, a time to regain that spark and spirit I once had. Perhaps I will return to counseling or perhaps I will embark on a new adventure that fills me with purpose. Leaving is hard but deep down I know its the best decision for myself at this time. I am no good to students if I am not right wtih myself. I need to radiant good positive energy if I am to transfer that to others.

As I said earlier, I knew tonight would be hard, graduation would test my decision to leave.......would it make me regret my decision, would I run crying to my principal to have my job back? Yes, I was sad and graduation was bittersweet but tonight filled me with a sense of purpose and joy that has been missing for a very long time. Tonight I felt as if these last 3 years were worth the blood, sweat, and tears. I knew students were going to miss me and I knew students felt connected to me but I didn't realize how impactful I was. I was worried about having a positive ending because I didn't want a reason to question my decision, yet I have a positive ending and I am sad, but I am ok and Michael Marteeny gave me the best gift I have ever received. All the bullshit was worth the 3 minute speech he gave tonight..........

I didn't realize how much I impacted Michaels life. He always seemed so uninterested. That is a good lesson for me, that you often don't know what someone is retaining or taking in. I assumed that he didn't care yet all along I was his biggest champion. As selfish as it sounds, I needed that lift, I needed the accolade. I needed the reminder that becoming a counselor wasn't in vain, it was for this very moment. I may be taking a counselor vacation, but in that absence I will recharge my batteries and recenter my soul because its out of balance. Thank you Michael for making me feel that purpose again and for making me feel like I made a difference for one studen....you!!!