2011, where did 2010 go?

2010 went by fast because I was trapped in my own mind and body. I shouldn't be to hard on myself because I have been physically sick with candida, parasites, and of course my unknown medical mystery still yet to be figured out, however, I often got so caught up in my medical scares and unknowns, I forgot about others and forgot that things can still be worse. I'm still alive, I still have all my limbs, and great family and friends. I have been wasting time on worrying and being afraid of the "what ifs" I spend much time focusing on these silly things that 99% of the time don't even occur. What a waste of energy huh? I know that I will look back and be thankful for this hard time in my life, its hard to be thankful now but today I can be honestly thankful....I can't guarantee I will feel the same tomorrow, but I'm a work in progress. Hard times test yourself, your courage, your strength, and really gets to the core of you and makes you see the not so great things about your habits and character that just don't serve you too well. I know that nothing happens over night and you cannot wish yourself to be rid of the negative. It takes time and that is something most people including myself struggle with. The days I feel good and strong are amazing, the days I feel weak, defeated and hopeless are tough....those at the days the old anxiety and worry kick back in and I feel as though I will plagued by anxieties shadow forever. I have spent this last year trying to figure out where all this anxiety stuff happened, were my parents to protective, is it genetic because my father suffers the same thing, or did something traumatic happen as a child that I just don't remember, or maybe its just one of those things. It doesn't really matter how it started but after my first panic attack at 19, that changed my life forever. I don't want to be that girl who is agoraphobic or the girl who has anxiety. Therapy has really helped and of course reading books. Bottom line is that I need to help myself, no book or therapist can change the dialogue and patterns in my head and cognitive thinking habits that make anxiety worse. I have improved and continue to push myself to get better. My new job at Nike with all the traveling will definitely challenge that, which will be hard but oh so good :) I did my first flight without taking xanax and that is pretty freaken spectacular.

Mohamed has become a solid rock for me. When I feel ashamed and angry that my anxiety has defeated me, he always says "everyone is dealing with something, and your thing is anxiety, you work on it and that's all you can do" He makes me feel less like a freak or crazy girl and reminds me that yes, we all have something we struggle with. I feel very blessed to have him in my life because he reminds me to be kinder, calmer, and more patient. He reminds me that sweating the small stuff is a waste of energy and that we need to focus on the wonderful gifts given to us. He makes life look easy. He is a great counter part to me and I appreciate all his support throughout the last two years.

As for this year, I have many goals and plans. I don't really have a resolution but things I want to work on. I don't want to promise myself all these things will happen because that's not realistic. Things will change and transform as they will and as long as I keep focused and thinking positively. They will change when the time is right. Patience is the key word.........annoying but true.

2011 goals
TRUST
learning to trust that I can help myself in times of need and crisis. I don't need others when times are anxious, I can trust myself

ACCEPTANCE
accepting that things are the way they are. I am an agoraphobic, I have candida, I worry and get fearful of things I cannot control. Its hard to accept the things about yourself that are unflattering but change cannot take place until I accept what is and whats here in the now

DAY BY DAY
my journey is day by day. I want to honor the past and learn from it but not define myself to past mistakes, heartbroken, or fear. I want to be hopeful for the future but not incessantly daydream and consume myself with how things should be. There are many things to be thankful for in the now.

MENTALLY STRONG
Don't fixate on worrying or fearful thoughts. Stay present in the moment and think about whats working instead of whats not working. I want to think about great things each day instead what can be better or how I can be better. Self improvement is important but not to the effect where your never good enough.

EATING
Eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full.

FAMILY
My parents and grandma will not always be around. Even when they are annoying, work at enjoying the moment because when they are gone I will beg for that annoying moment to come back because its better than not having someone at all


This is a full plate of items. While I am working on these goals, I want to have more fun and take adventerous risks. Life is a balance and I will contiue to find what balance works for me. Bring on 2011!!! I'm ready and excited to see whats in store for me this year.