Strippen

Strippen...no I'm not twirling down my pole, I mean strippen as in taking off layers and I'm not referring to articles of clothing. Strippen......the act of peeling back layer after layer. I not too keen on comparing myself to an onion but in a sense I have been slowly peeling my layers back. When someone told me a year or so ago that "Tessa you are embarking on this amazing journey to discover more about yourself" I was thinking, "ok, I cry a little, maybe one big meltdown of feelings, and I'm good to go....moven on and things are fine and dandy" If someone told me this was really going to be a process, I would have said, "ehhh, I don't think so"! I didn't choose to embark on this journey, my body decided it for me and I have willingly yet sometimes stubbornly followed suite. We all have choices and I don't HAVE to do this.....but I believe there must be something deep down that believes this process has some higher meaning I haven't totally grasped yet. After reading some things on google about "blocked energy" I came across this quote " If there wasn't some part of you that didn't want to reconnect with your intuition--it wouldn't be happening. Look at an 80 year old smoker/alcoholic who spends her years in oblivion but is completely healthy. She doesn't want to grow and expand so her body has nothing to tell her. You do--that's why this is happening for you. There is a greater purpose for you that your heart is desiring" I am starting to think this "block energy" crap has some actual truth and substantial foundation. This anxiety and tightness in my chest that often shadows me daily feels as though its blocked energy or blocked something that can't get out. I assume its energy but sometimes it feels as though Dumbo the elephant is sitting on my chest, or perhaps taking a dump on it (come on thats funny)! I am aware of this blockage but stumped at how to release it or make sense out of what that blockage is really all about. So this blocked energy came from somewhere and my body is clearly not only talking to me, its screaming! As I write, my chest is tight, uncomfortable... but I'm used to it now. At least today Dumbo must have taken a nice pre steamy dump before sitting on me because its not too bad.

This blog is a little all over the place and thoughts are flying all over like a dumb ex boyfriend whos too high to realize he just lit 3 fireworks and now we have a hot mess of explosions. I'm not sure when the ah-ha moment hit last week but I'm onto something whether it has life changing merit or not. This is probably the hardest topic I have blogged about thus far....I believe part of the reason all this candida crap has been so tough emotionally is because it has stripped away the person I thought I was. I keep hearing "what is the core you, what is the inner you, who are you really?" Well.......most of my life I was the attractive funny girl who was really good at a lot of things. As the years have progressed since high school, those characteristics have changed and I dont feel like that girl anymore. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am anything really hot, but I have managed to make myself attractive and desirable to the opposite sex. Makeup makes a huge difference, let me tell you. I prided myself in high school by all the attention I got from guys and it was all based on my looks and body. I felt good about myself if people thought I looked good. That doesn't sound vain or anything right :) I didn't win any humble awards in high school thats for sure. What happened to wanting to be the nice girl? I was always good a school, tennis, theater, art, and llamas. I was never great at anything but talented enough to do many things. It made me feel good to be good at a lot of things. And don't get me wrong, I believe its important to build self confidence through activities but I am starting to realize its dangerous to define yourself by them, because most of the time they are only temporary.

When speaking about accomplishment, my biggest accomplishment has been my llama Kalamidy. She was so cool, beautiful, and we were fast friends, well I was her only friend lucky for me. The biggest puzzle piece for me has been the death of her in high school. I didn't start grieving that lose until about a year ago. Talking about llamas and attachments seem crazy to the average person but for me I not only lost a pet, I lost a friend, and I lost 5 years of accomplishment. Most people don't know the extent it takes to train llamas but being an only child, Kalamdiy and I spent hours together, we were buds! A lot of my self worth and pride was because of the success we had and when she suddenly died, it was as if my accomplishments went with her. Its like breaking up with a boyfriend your totally wrapped up in..when its over, you don't know how to start over, you don't know your identity associated with the person or thing anymore, because they aren't there...so now what? My llama career ended for a few years because I was angry and pissed off but I didn't even know how angry I was. Llamas were a hug part of my life but once both of my llamas died, I was too young to know how to process those feelings and move beyond just being "the llama girl" When all my llamas died within 2 years of each other, I think a part of my identify died with them (ya I know its sounds strange, I agree!) Who knew llamas were so badass huh, maybe everyone should get a llama :) I still have a way to go to understand these deep feelings around Kalamidy because they honestly still perplex me today. There is something very deep and very wounded there but that is just another layer yet to be peeled.

Fast forward to now......my health condition makes me feel unattractive, anxiety keeps me from doing many things, and I'm so worried about anxiety and getting rid of it, I stopped having a sense of humor everyday. I don't show llamas anymore and I don't do any acting.....all things I prided myself on. The more I thought about these characteristics and their disappearance, I realized that I'm not sure I know who I really am? These characteristics were disappearing and I didn't realize how much I identified with them until they were disappearing.......that left me with an empty feeling of whats left.....when you have truly captured the true you, thats what is always left, even when you feel stripped and naked, your core is whats left. I don't want the inner core and essence of me to be my looks or the activities I do. Because without these things, who are we as people. I want my partner to be able to look at me at the end of the day and love me for me....and I dont know what those characteristics are just yet but without the looks, without the talents, I want that inner me to be the most important things, because I'm only going to get older and I won't have working hands to do arts and crafts, so what is there left to love? There is something don't get me wrong, I believe I am highly lovable and I believe there is a good whole hearted loving person, but I want to get past the superficial bullshit of being so obsessed with people wanting to love other characteristics of me that will not always be a part of me. I want to know that at the end of the day my friends, my family, and my partner truly love Tessa, the charactersits about Tessa that are deeply ingrained and rooted in my being. So ask yourself....do you know who you really are? At the end of the day, what do you want to be remembered by? I Tessa Sayers, want to be remembered as someone who is non judgemental, inclusive to different ways of living and believing (ok well not all...ya I'm talking to you nazi lovers and KKK crazies), sensitive to others, and compassionate to herself and the struggles of others. As for the root of me, well, the layers are coming off slowly, so who knows what we will find, but its definately not a flatter stomach, bigger boobs, or perfect skin.....and I will slowly learn to accept that....those things are bonuses in life and ya I would love to have them, but as for the REALLY important things, those are not on my list.