getting off the boat

Its the 4th of July and most people are out with their family and friends eating, drinking, and enjoying themselves before fireworks light the sky with beautiful hues of color. As for me...well... I'm at home alone. I had the option to going downtown with my boyfriend and his friends but the city often overwhelms me and crowds just aren't my thing. And honestly, I need a break from people or should I say anything revolved around drinking and eating. I have become quit the hermit this past year trying to cope and process the emotional roller coaster I have been on with my health. For someone who loves to be in control, I feel helpless to help myself. It all goes back to accepting and being patient and lately my anger and frustrations have taken over and finding perspective and what they call "the bright side" is hard.

After 7 months of eating the same 26 foods doctors think I have a fruit intolerance. This means I cannot eat any fruit or anything derived from fruit. Fruit is more than what any clueless person could figure out such as bananas apples etc. Fruit includes olives, olive oil, avocados, cashews, nutmeg, allspice, cumin, and cardamon. Pumpkin pie, forget it, Italian meal, don't even go there. Sucky huh, well ya it gets worse. Citric acid is fruit which is a preservative in almost all processed food. Forget canned tomatoes, forget most chips, forget non organic vegetables, forget canned soup, even forget most cheese. So unless I can read the label, I can't eat it. Citric acid is a common in pesticides which is sprayed on non organic food. Citric acid is also used in the cheese making process. Citric acid is a common household cleaning agent. Get my point??? On top of that I am gluten intolerant which means I cant eat wheat which in our diet is in almost everything such as ketchup, cereal, and all baked goods. To further complicate an already complicated diet, I can't eat dairy and whole grains together...forget the pizza and lasagna, forget cookies and cakes. I can't eat a cookie unless I prepare it myself and use something other than dairy to make it. I don't ever to get to eat pizza again and forget the balsamic vinaigrette/olive oil bread dip. Forget wine and alcohol, unless I want to buy rhubarb wine and take shots of tequila or vodka. Eating out, that's a joke. As you can probably sense right now I'm angry and I'm pissed and I can't believe I have to live like this. No more homecooked meals like my dad used to make, no more Christmas dinners where I can sit and be a part of the group. I have to make everything myself and bring it with me. People always want to talk about it and wonder why I'm not eating whats been put in front of me. I'm tired of talking about it and I'm tired of being isolated by food. I'm angry because I don't understand why I have to experience this or what the purpose is of being so isolated from food and the social world. This diet makes you feel very lonely and isolated. I often find myself watching people eat in restaurants and most people don't even care that I can't eat. I don't want people to feel sorry for me but I want them to put themselves in my shoes and try to accomodate or work with me a little so everyone is happy. Perhaps ask if there is a place I recommend that everyone might be able to find something they like.

Imagine all your favorite foods taken away from you and now you have to cook everything yourself? What if you couldn't have a beer anymore or what if you couldn't eat your moms favorite cookies ever again? I want people to be more aware and work with me. We can eat out but not many people ask if its a restaurant I might be able to get some fish or rice. Those are the little efforts that really make a difference for me. I know people can't cook for me and I know people can't change whats happening to me.......but I need support and I often feel like those close to me are not there when I need them most. My boyfriend has been my biggest cheerleader and I am very grateful for him when I sit and cry and just can't deal with going to another party or dinner.

I don't want to be angry and I don't want to be mad especially because I can't change any of this. I hope that I can get to a place where I can watch people eat and not get sad. I hope I can go out to dinner and focus on something other than food. The funny thing is that I know I need an attitude adjustment and I know being resentful is unhealthy not beneficial especially since there are so many other wonderful things in my life.....yet I feel like I'm stuck on a boat without an ore or any wind for that matter. I need to get into the freezing water and swim while pushing my boat to shore. Ya its going to be hard and it will take some time but I can't stay in the middle of the lake and pick my nose right? Well I could but peeing on a boat is hard, I don't recommend it. I also realize that people can't read my mind and that I need to communicate my needs better with others. If I can't handle a dinner party right now, than that's that. It will get easier as time goes by and I understand that but right now I don't want to be at another party and listen to people talk about how amazing the food is.

Its the 4th right? A day of celebration. A day to be thankful for those that have risked their life so I can be here today. A day to be proud to be an American. I am proud to be an American and there are many things to be thanful for.......my personal celebration???.......choosing not to be stranded on the damn boat and start swimming. It doesn't mean I am going to smile the entire way or not curse and bitch here and there. It might not be a huge step but its progress and its something for me to celebrate. I am reminded by my title "when you change the way you look at things the things you look at change." My diet isnt going to destroy me but ya its a huge pain in the ass. As I work to change the way I look at my new way of eating it will be easier to focus on the other amazing things around me, the things that currently are in the background of my present awareness, the things that have nothing to do with food. It will take time and getting back into the cold water is the first step.